Monthly Archives: September 2014

New Parent Life

Posted in Parenting by

It dawned on my the other day that I haven’t written this post even though this is the advice I give every one who is about to embark on parenthood!  So here it goes…

I’ll 100% honest–being a new parent, especially a stay at home parent, is lonely and hard.  Some are fortunate enough to have other parent friends close by or family to help fill that void, and others are embarking on this journey alone.  For those doing the journey alone or almost alone it doesn’t have to be so.  It’s going to take some time, some longer than others.  It will also feel like dating.  But in the end it works out and you’ll adjust.  Give it time!!!  But here are my tips that helped me overcome the loneliness of being a stay at home parent in a brand new city with an infant!

1.  Pay to do something outside of the house once a week!!!
If you are like me, once you make a financial commitment you feel bad not using it and wasting all that money.  That’s why I suggest you do something that forces you to pay up front to do it because you feel obligated to get out of the house and not list the many excuses to stay at home.  At first, Oliver and I did Baby Boot Camp together.  I bought a 12 class pass up front that would expire in like 2 months.  It forced me to leave the house and get exercise.  If I didn’t use a class pass cause of whatever excuse I felt so bad cause it was throwing away $15!!!  This program was also great because once a month they did a Mom’s Night Out.  So I was able to meet some cool moms this way, both in workout clothes and without.

If exercising, or boot camps, aren’t your thing there a ton of other things you can do with your new baby.  If you want to try low impact exercising, try looking into post-natal yoga classes.  Many gyms offer babysitting services if that is more your thing.  My only problem with that is it’s harder to meet parent friends this way.

You can also look into classes for your baby.  Yes, your little 6 weeker (sometimes younger) can participate in so many things!!!  We’ve done music class, Gymboree, swimming, art class, etc.  There are many Gymboree type places out there, probably closer to home too.  Try looking up Little Gym or My Gym.  They usually do a free trial class to see if it’s a good fit for you and your child.  If those places are a bit pricey, your local parks and rec should offer baby classes, including infant swim classes!  The point is, pay for something and go so you can meet people.

2.  Join a parenting list serv or group.
You might have to do some sleuthing on Google or you can ask the few parents you know in your neighborhood/city/town.  But if one exists, join it (while baby is in utero preferably).  Not only can you score cheap or free gently used baby gear, you can connect with other parents with similar age babies.  Once a month I get an e-mail to the neighborhood list serv from a new mom trying to connect with other mom’s in the neighborhood with newborns.  And depending on how organized your list serv or group is, there may be monthly Mom’s Night Out to a local restaurant.  It’s such a great way to feel more connected to your neighbors and find parent friends.

3.  Go to Meetup.com.
As I have mentioned before, finding new parent friends is like dating.  It’s awkward and strange as you investigate whether or not this parent will be cool and match your parenting style.  Well, think of Meetup as your dating website (kind of like eHarmony, but for a lot of different interests, not exclusive to parents).  You can easily see if there are baby/parent groups based on a certain mile radius of your zip code.  You can even go so far as to find baby/parent groups around certain themes, like exercise or home schooling or attachment parenting or Spanish speaking (I’ve seen Mandarin).  It’s a great way to meet other parents, usually in public places.  If you can’t find one that is a good fit for you or there isn’t one close to you, you can always start a Meetup group yourself (for a small fee).

4.  Join a new parent support group.
More and more of these are popping up, either offered through the hospital you delivered or through an organization in your neighborhood.  Some are free and some aren’t.  But the point is, it is a great way to meet new parents with similar aged babies.  They are usually facilitated by hospital staff or a therapist.  You discuss topics regarding being a new parent and connect, share, and most importantly vent about this crazy journey.  Most support groups are set for a certain number of weeks (between 6-8 weeks, meeting once a week), but many of these groups soon become your closest parent friends who continue to meet weekly for play dates.  You may think it’s dumb, especially if you aren’t into therapy-type things for whatever reason, but trust me you will enjoy the support group.

Just keep putting yourself, and your baby, out there.  It really is exactly like dating, but I think so much harder.  It will depress you, but you’ll also have times where you get excited about meeting a parent you like (trust me, my husband has looked at me weirdly when I tell him about a cool mom I’ve met).  It took me about a year to finally find a circle of parent friends I truly like.  It just takes time, so just be patient.  After all, you were patient about finding your partner right?  It’s hard, but it will work out.  It may not seem like it, especially in the throws of a crying infant.  But it will, and you’ll find some cool parents you can start calling your friends.

Connect with Friends

Posted in Parenting by

We moved back to SF almost 2 years ago.  The friends we made here the first time around were a bit younger and at a different stage in their life when we returned.  Though most were in committed relationships, we were the only couple married and now with our first child.  Despite this, many of our friends here in SF are amazed that we are able to hang out with them and/or are generally social.  I guess once you have a child many assume you go off into the child friendly abyss that childless friends are not welcomed to.  But this is not true.  Well, you can make that true, but you don’t have to.  And you don’t need a babysitter!  I repeat:  YOU DON’T NEED A BABYSITTER!  Here are a three things my husband and I do to stay connected with our friends, even though they may not have children (yet).  And it doesn’t have to involve going to a bar!

1.  Do something with your friends that you used to do before you had a kid.
I know this is pretty obvious, but some people need to be told this.  Whether it is poker night for your husband or book club for yourself.  Okay, maybe a book club for mom sounds a bit ambitious when you are tired and barely can fit in a shower let alone the newest novel for the month.  Maybe going over to someone’s house and watching The Bachelor is better?  The point is, do something that you used to do with your friends.  It will make you feel normal again, especially if you are stuck cleaning dirty diapers and clothes all day.  But most importantly, you can still connect with your childless friends the way you used to before you yourself had a kid.  You might not be able to do it once a week, but once a month is more than enough to reconnect.  Just make sure you and your partner are organized enough so that your friend nights don’t clash with each other.  After all, someone needs to watch the babe!

2.  Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Dinner?
You can still go out for a meal with your friends and bring the babe along.  Clearly you aren’t going to go to fancy places anymore, mostly because you don’t have the time to really look appropriate for such an outing.  And I know it sounds overwhelming, especially if your babe is a toddler prone to tantrums.  But there are decent, if not really great restaurants out there that *gasp* are child friendly as well!  You also know your child best.  If your babe is still in that sleepy infant stage, lucky you!  You can do any meal with little to no problem because chances are they will be sleeping in their car seat.  If they do happen to wake up and cry, they probably need to be fed and you/mom are right there with their snack.  Once your child gets older, it does get a little tricky.  But it is still manageable.  For my now toddler, I make sure I bring his etch-a-sketch, crayons (if the restaurant doesn’t provide any), and if he is having a super fussy day he may get to play with his Leap Frog game.  You also know your child’s moods, and when he’s at his best.  For us, lunch and brunch are the best meal times.  Dinner isn’t necessarily impossible, but you also don’t want to make a dinner reservation for an hour before your kid’s normal bed time.  The point is, you can still go out for meals with your friends.

3.  Dinner Party!
Or any party at your house for that matter.  Budgets are a bit tighter when you have a kid, and perhaps eating out with your friends isn’t economically viable for you.  Do not fret–just invite your friend(s) over for dinner!  It’s hard to say no to a home cooked meal.  You can even ask your guests to bring their favorite wine to share.  The best bit is you don’t have to go too far off your babe’s normal evening routine.  You can even treat your whiney child by excusing them early from dinner if they are done and let them go off and play on their own while you continue to enjoy dinner conversation with your friends.  You may have to temporarily excuse yourself while you get your babe ready for bed, but your partner and your guests can still chat away and imbibe more.  And if dinner or cooking isn’t your thing, you can always just order in food or have a pot luck.  The point is, invite people over to your house.  Whether it’s just a dinner party, Super Bowl Party, or celebrating Pi Day, get people to come over and reconnect.

Ultimately, friendship is a two way street.  If your friend(s) continue to decline your invitations, don’t fret.  Maybe try group invites.  The one friend who is a bit hesitant may be terrified of small children.  And that’s ok.  But by extending the invite to a larger group, you slightly diffuse the anxiety.  In the end if they still decline, don’t lose sleep over it.  Just concentrate on the people who still appreciate you trying to stay connected.

32 Weeks!

Posted in Mommy Life by

new_cribOMG!  8 weeks left and I feel so ill prepared for this new baby.  I think with Oliver I already had his nursery decorated.  We at least have the crib set up and the mattress.  But I guess I should take off the plastic from the mattress and maybe put the fitted sheet and crib skirt on.  I still need to wash the few new baby outfits my parents and in-laws bought.  I also need to go through my son’s old clothes and sort those away.  There’s just so much to do and I’m just so tired and unmotivated to do any of it.  So different from the first.

The Little Things

Posted in Mommy Life by

Everyone knows that being a stay at home parent is tough.  It is often a thankless job that has horrible pay and little to no vacation.  If anyone ever had a job with these benefits they would immediately start looking for a new one.! My first job out of college I worked 60+ hours a week, rarely got any appreciation from my clients let alone my supervisors, got depressed if I calculated my salary to an hourly rate, but at least I got ok, flexible vacation.  Fast forward to today, and now I think that job was a cake walk!!!  I know that I’m not the first (and certainly not the last) to write/complain/vent about my choice to stay at home, but I’m going to anyway.

The last two weeks or so has been super hard on me.  On top of a demanding 2 year old, I’ve been having severe pubic bone pain and sometimes your normal back pain.  If you’ve never had pubic bone pain while pregnant (lucky you!) or don’t know what I’m talking about you can read about it here.  I’ve gotten a maternity belt to help, but at the end of the day I’m always in pain.  And to top it all off, my husband had friends visiting from London and Australia.  Ordinarily I wouldn’t care and would actually encourage him to have fun with the boys, but like I said it has been hard caring for Oliver.  My husband would usually do the night time bath and put him to sleep, which is super helpful because it’s hard for me to hunch over the bath and lift him, etc.  But having to do that for most of the week took it’s toll on me, and of course no ounce of gratitude from my husband who strolled in at 2am most nights.

So last night I was feeling a bit down because again I was left with night duties (husband had his normal Thursday night soccer game) and Oliver was just extra cranky/terrible twos.  But when we were in his room he wanted to cuddle.  That hasn’t happened in ages.  It’s normally peace out mom when all mom wants is an extra second of cuddles at drop off for preschool or randomly during the day.  But we cuddled and suddenly he was asleep on my shoulder.  This hasn’t happened in at least a year (maybe more?)!!!  If I didn’t have to pee so badly I would have relished that moment for an extra 5 minutes (who knows, probably all night).  It was such a sweet moment; one that I really needed.  I needed that reminder of why I stay at home; to have these moments where my son can be extra affectionate and seeks comfort from me.  I needed that moment because these moments will happen less frequently and then one day will just completely stop–he’ll stop asking for cuddles, he won’t give you kisses on demand, he won’t randomly tell you, “I love you” every hour.  So no matter how hard and tired and annoyed I get, I have to remember that it is all worth it in the end for these small jewels–these sweet moments.

Dinner For 2

Posted in Mommy Life by

So this is probably a bit presumptuous, but I made a dinner reservation for 8 days after my due date.  I really want a nice steak dinner, and the restaurant I made a reservation for is impossible to get a respectable dinner reservation a month in advance.  Even now (2 months ahead) there were slim pickings.  So I just bit the bullet and did it.  Hopefully this baby girl will come some what on time so I don’t have the cancel the reservation.  Less than 9 weeks until our world gets turned upside down (for the better, I hope)!!!